BISD Athletes Push for School Board, Superintendent Drug Tests and Weight Loss Counseling

Members of the newly formed Brownwood Athletes Against Drugged Authoritative School Supervisors (BAADASS) have stricken back against the newly passed initiative to drug test all Brownwood students in grades 7 through 12 who participate in extracurricular activities.

Student athlete and six time defending Texas High School Ladies Bowling State Champion Belinda Rummage was voted president of BAADASS at the group’s first formal meeting Wednesday night at a pasture party off FM 45. Rummage was vocal during her inaugural address, “I just think, you know, that if we’re going to be tested that they should be tested to, you know?” The group of about 30 student athletes cheered often during Rummage’s speech, often holding up red solo cups supplied by Rummage to show their support of her ideas.  “In addition to drug testing, the school board and superintendent should also be subject to regular cholesterol screening, blood pressure monitoring, and weight loss counseling.” The students again erupted in cheers.

Rummage, often having to speak loudly over the cheers of her peers went on, “our role models should be healthy, and right now the seats at the front of the Don Martin Executive Board Room are supporting more weight than the axles on Engine 1080.”

Just as Rummage was opening up discussion of how to administer her plans, the speech was broken up by approaching deputies who had been alerted by neighbors. As students began to scatter amongst flying red solo cups, we were all left wanting to hear more about the BAADASS plan to drug test the administration.

satire

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