TXDOT Preparing roads for yearly crash-fest

As very cold air approaches Texas, crews with the Texas Department of Transportation are pretreating many roadways throughout the nine-county Brownwood District as light, negligible wintry precipitation is possible late Wednesday night into Thursday morning and drivers are expected to overreact. The few drivers who brave the “impassable” roads will be pleased that TxDOT is working hard to clear any potential mishaps.

Picture this, but with 1 millimeter of wintry precipitation
Picture this, but with 1 millimeter of wintry precipitation

In Coleman County, crews are inflating bounce houses, removing the roof, and placing them sideways in ditches and culverts along the Abilene Highway in the hopes that drivers overreacting to ice will simply bounce around like a giant steel pinball until they can regain control of their motor vehicle, or enter Taylor County, where they’ll be some other district’s problem.

In Eastland County, crews are pretreating all lanes of Interstate 20 with a brine solution. Hopes are that a turkey truck will overturn and by the time recovery crews pick up the carcases, they will be marinated to perfection. Motorists are urged to be on the lookout for Pilgrims Pride trucks and redirect them towards Ranger Hill.

For Brown County drivers, a inter-faith prayer vigil is being held, because all the engineering in the world can’t get those sad sacks to avoid crashing into buildings, medians, guardrails, or each other, even on a dry and sunny day.

satire

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