Hug-o-ween? Area man proposes alternative to Halloween

After viewing a report on KTXS about local Halloween displays possibly crossing the line, local resident Robert “Rob” Robertson, who wished to go by Hank, called the Examiner Hotline and expressed his shock at how ‘horrifying’ Halloween has become. 2 hours later, Hank continued to blather on and on about his shock at the gory display and suggested a better solution. A “hug-o-ween.”

Hank plans on handing out free hugs to any little goblin who would like one, and will offer vegan cuisine in lieu of candy. “I know all the kids won’t be for it. I mean, they can’t just put it in their bucket and leave because I don’t believe in paper plates, but they’re more than welcome to come in and eat. I got some orange forks and knives so they feel festive.” Hank plans on ordering Mister Rogers Fatheads and decorating his home in the most inoffensive way possible. “I won’t use pink or blue for colors as I want this to be a gender-neutral safe space where children can celebrate without judgement.”

We're pretty sure this isn't what Ozzy meant, but we think it's how Hank would interpret it.
We’re pretty sure this isn’t what Ozzy meant, but we think it’s how Hank would interpret it.

Area parents polled by the Examiner are not warming up to the idea. “I don’t want my kid going up to some questionable stranger to give them love on Halloween. It’s Halloween! They’re supposed to be throwing eggs, throwing toilet paper. Giving hugs is for some other holiday like I don’t know, I bet Hank enjoys Arbor Day. He sounds like a tree-hugger.” stated local resident Wayne Garza.

Hank mentioned that while the news shows violent scenes far worse than a lawn display, nobody is forced to watch the news. “I pay taxes and I should be able to drive on Southside Drive until it turns into 4th street; nobody forces me to watch the news. I don’t even turn on the TV until 8 or 9 at night. And even then, I prefer watching My Little Pony. If just ONE child comes by and decides to give up this Halloween baloney for the night, I’ll be happy. I’d be happier if they gave up Halloween once and for all, though.”

The Examiner then reminded Hank that the bloody and bruised children of the world are a consequence of people choosing to put their heads in the sand like an ostrich, and not address the issues at hand. Hank told us “OK WELL IN THAT CASE FLIGHTLESS BIRDS WILL BE BANNED AS WELL.”

When pressed to elaborate on why he hates Halloween so much, Hank told us that his favorite program when he was younger was King of the Hill. Hence why he likes to go by Hank. “I thought Hank was a good hard working Texan, a good Christian man, but that one time he told Bobby to vandalize Junie Harper’s home just hurt me to the core.” Hank continued “I love trees and all living creatures. I just think trees are so beautiful, and Halloween is so gory. If I just convince one small child to take off their Halloween costume and come have some delicious tofu sausages with GMO free fair trade saurkraut, I will have done my part.”

TRICK OR TREAT, says the Examiner!
TRICK OR TREAT, says the Examiner!

 

satire

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