It was a packed house Thursday night when the biggest debate of the season occurred. It was the Republican Candidates Forum, and it drug on for nearly 4 hours. Over 500 citizens attended, many of whom would have died of boredom… had it not been for a surprise 3rd party candidate’s invitation.
With Michael Murray and Bill Ruth involved in what some describe as “a stalemate for the ages”, many expected Thursday’s event to have more barbs thrown than ever before. Things however, don’t often work out as planned. A third candidate was present, and his wit and charm won over the crowd as well as at least one of the men vying to be Brownwood’s next District Attorney.
His name? Declan.
Some audience members gasped, others looked around in confusion. Who was this Declan, and what was he going to bring to the table? Declan’s opening statement started with a yip, and ended with him joyfully romping around on stage.
A dog language expert translated Declan’s behavior into English. “You see, the yip was to tell everyone to quit fighting, and the romp was to express his desire to have a safe and prosperous Brownwood, where families can play and be safe.”
Shortly after Declan’s speech, The Examiner left to go eat at Gomez, since everyone else in town was attending the debate and we’d already heard all we cared to from Ruth and Murray. Our service was speedy, and our food was excellent. After filling up on queso, enchiladas, and margaritas, we returned to Victory Life Church to conduct exit polling.
“I don’t know, after all of the fighting and negativity, I think Declan will do a fine job.” stated Joe Joe Hudson. “He’s a kind pup, but I’ve seen him be quite the ankle biter when he feels someone is unkind or unjust. He has all of our support in the town of Blanket.”
Others accused the event hosts of bias. “(He) picked that corgi up and put him on stage.. that’s favoritism. Sure, the dog’s legs are about as tall as a coffee mug, and the stairs leading to the stage are steep.. but that’s no excuse!” said Anita Perry, who’s husband Rick is known to hate dogs, having shot a coyote in 2010. We aren’t sure why Mrs. Perry was here.
“Declan openly licked his gentleman’s area in front of the crowd! This is rude behavior, unfit for the District Attorney!” stated fringe candidate Hazel, a 9 year old Siamese cat currently seeking to dethrone Sid Miller for Agriculture Commissioner. Hazel then expressed her contempt for Declan, claiming that he often chases her into corners and sloppily drinks from their shared water dish. Declan growled at Hazel, and the two were separated before tensions reached their peak.
“It was a real dog and pony show, but there wasn’t a pony. I was disappointed. Wait… What if you changed their first names, Bill Ruth and Michael Murray.. then we could have Bill Murray running for DA!” stated an obviously stoned individual, who then petted Declan. “Bill Murray would keep ghosts from taking over Brownwood, I think I want to vote for Bill Murray.”
For updates on this article and a chance to pet Declan, “like” us on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bwdexaminer/