Inaugural Walton 500 coming to Brownwood in April

Market Street. A bypass built at taxpayer expense to alleviate traffic on West Commerce, Market Street is a ghost town. City planners and state officials have been very disappointed in the traffic count thusfar, with some daily traffic barely reaching 40 cars. The cars that do utilize Market Street often speed up to 20mph above posted limits, knowing that such vast and open roads are rare to find.

Market Street could soon see actual traffic!
Market Street could soon see actual traffic!

Brownwood Police Officer Herbert Mills is no fan of this reckless behavior, but openly admits that cracking down on traffic violation would lead to the “total and complete abandonment of Market Street, much to the chagrin of taxpayers.” Mills, along with other area motorsport enthusiasts had an idea. Since drivers are already using Market Street to travel in excess of 40mph, and since back in the 1950s a horse racing track was located in the area, why not sanction racing on the new, smooth surfaced bypass?

Due to the fact that Market Street does not have adequate ARMCO barriers for safety or even FIA-mandated raised kerbs to alert the drivers, Formula 1 cars will not be allowed to race, nor will MotoGP or Superbike races be allowed to take place. Not one to stop trying, the Brownwood Racing Organiazation, or BRO, has another option.

“Electric cars are the big thing now, but nobody in Brownwood is wealthy enough to afford a Tesla, and we have no charging stations. While I was called to Walmart to investigate a woman stealing a DVD of “Full House”, a box of Tuna Helper, and a canister of Mrs. Dash, I knew exactly the solution.” spoke Mills. “Walmart already has a charging station and a bank of electric wheelchairs. It wouldn’t be seen as picking on the disabled because most of the people who use them are just lazy, the people who really need one have one of thier own already.” Mills continued “Plus, they could be our title sponsor! We could call it the Walton 500!”

That dream is becoming a reality in late April, when the Walton 500 comes to prestigious Brownwood, Texas. BRO issued the following information, promising more data to come soon.

“Racers will start out at the Walmart, and race to the Riverside Park sign. They will then circle it, testing their balance and dexterity. After that, to pay homage to our tax dollars at use, they will use the new crosswalk at the new light, and stop at Classic Beverage.”

“A lot of these athletes have high blood pressure, so sports drinks are out of the question due to the added sodium content. We think that Keystone Light has a high enough water content that it will rehydrate them and help them overcome the stress from such a gruelling race.”

In order to prevent discrimination, a LeMans start will be used. The morbidly obese must waddle across Row 3 of the Walmart parking lot, into the store, where they will jump on the closest wheelchair and take off. “We plan on having several AED machines handy for this part. Racers who stop for a quick bite at the Burger King will be highly penalized.” Mills said.

BRO would also like to announce that writer/producer Mike Judge, of King of the Hill fame, will be the Grand Marshal and Honorary Starter of the Walton 500. Mills stated “My favorite episode of that show is the one where Bobby got the gout and had to ride around on an electric wheelchair. I couldn’t think of a better man for the job.”
Co-sponsors of the Walton 500 include Choice Medical Supply, Triple-T Grill, Prater Equipment, and Mazola.
Racers with the gout are invited to participate!
Racers with the gout are invited to participate!

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satire

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