Heartland Mall’s Monday Closing Affects 16 People

Due to not understanding how to read a weather map, many area schools and local businesses were closed on Monday, when the sighting of a single grain of sleet sent the community of Early into crisis triage mode. Heartland Mall was closed, and up to 16 mall walkers, loiterers, and transients were affected.
Jasper Witherspoon had planned on going to the Social Security Administration to complain about his benefits, but was instead forced to stay indoors and watch the Game Show Network at his home on Northline Drive in Early. “I fell asleep during “Deal or No Deal.” That game doesn’t even involve skill! You just pick a number and wait. It’s like one of those fancy restaurants like they have in Dallas” stated the disappointed senior. “I don’t even remember what I was going to go gripe about. They’re open today, but I’m not in the mood now!”
The "Dream of the Nineties" is alive in Early!
Witherspoon usually sits and leers at fellow seniors while waiting for paperwork at Social Security.
Witherspoon then planned on flirting with Gladys Jones, who walks in the mall every morning. “I really had hoped she’d have on those seafoam green sweatpants, she looks good in them!”. However, Jones, along with part-time employee Beatrice Jackson and her sister-in-law Muriel Pesina, were nowhere to be found due to the closure of the mall. Witherspoon’s wife was none-the-less upset about this. “He’s a dirty old man, I swear!”
Mall security later found Jones and Pesina in Pesina’s Chevy Astrovan. “They had removed the seats and we thought someone had broken into the van, or they were having whoopie, but no, these spry seniors were walking 3 steps, turning, walking 3 steps, turning. They weren’t going to let the closure of the mall get in their way of a climate controlled workout!”
Vendor Chua Lim was far less disappointed in getting the day off work. Lim spends more time standing outside by the entrance smoking cigarettes and loudly conversing in Mandarin than he does at actually turning a profit. “Nobody ever buy. But, better than Communist Government, so, OK!”
satire

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