Meth, a cultural heritage of Lake Brownwood?

In a stunning and unprecedented move, methamphetamine producers in and around the Shamrock Shores community, north Lake Brownwood, have petitioned the government to grant protected status to all methamphetimine production in Brown and Coleman counties.

“We’ve been cooking the best dope out here since back when that judge tried to sell it to the Saint Louis Cardinals!” proudly stated area degenerate and now potentially marked man Leroy “Stubbs” McGraw. Stubbs, earning the nickname due to a shake and bake lab accident in the late 1990s, feels that Brown County needs to protect the reputation of the regional treat, promote rural growth, help producers obtain a premium price, and eliminate misleading consumers by non-genuine products, which may be of inferior quality or strength. Glass pipes will also be covered as “cultural heritage of the North Shore community”.

“One time I was at Southside Village Apartments, and I got a straw of dope and it was about as strong as a flea’s pecker. Nothing like the good stuff from out at the lake.” stated Stubbs, continuing  “I’m glad the northside gets most of that. Those rich bastards at the apartment complex don’t know what they are missing! Well hell, it’s like going from a good bottle of whisky like Old Crow to having to drink one of those nasty brands like Chivas Regal. That’s just not American!” Stubbs cited this experience, as well as a desire to make more money, as deciding factors in his application for Protected Designation of Origin for drugs. “If you’re gonna do a bid, do a bid for some good dope, my dope, I live over on Blackbird Lane. I’ve ran out of things to sell on the Brownwood trade groups on Facebook. I just sold my ceiling fan. C’mon, you won’t regret it.”

Area cooks that have yet to be sent to jail for engaging in organized criminal activity were less than pleased with the “Shamrock Cartel”. Speaking from his home in an apartment behind the Wes-T-Go, Lucas Rudd expressed concern that a protected origination status would provide barriers to entry. “There would be all sorts of logistical constraints. You’d have to facilitate so many workarounds.. why, it would drive the cost up the roof for the consumer, and half of these hapless bastards are already behind on their bond payments!”

Erica Smith-Jones, economics professor for the University of Texas at El Paso, feels that this move may lead to more turmoil in the future. “Where markets already exist, there is the propensity for the narrowing of competition, if certain applications are accepted. The state – instead of absolving all responsibility is tied with the task of carefully controlling the market. Product price fixing, market consolidation, division of labor, and profit-channelling are all potential issues. It would be like the 1970s all over again!”Smith-Jones also mentioned the fact that capital is concentrated in particular areas with PDO status, and expressed concern that the Shamrock Shores residents could not be trusted to maintain a swimming pool as is, let alone wealth in the thousands. “That Dollar General can only sell so many cheap Chinese products, and those people can only go get beer at the EZ-Mart so many times before the market stagnates. They’ll have more purchasing power and less avenues to inject funds back into the economy. I think most of the revenue will go right into the arms of these hillbillies!”

At press time, the World Trade Organization has yet to respond, nor has the Italian “Denominazione di origine controllata”, whom “Stubbs” also petitioned. The European Union firmly stated that “Contraband drugs can NOT be classified as traditional specialities guaranteed, nor as protected designation of origin (PDO) or protected geographical indication (PGI). Furthermore, Texas isn’t even in the EU.”

North Lake Brownwood, it's almost like "Sandy Shores" in GTA V
North Lake Brownwood, it’s almost like “Sandy Shores” in GTA V

satire
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