Canned conundrum confronts Cisco

Let’s face it, the world may not be as safe as it used to be. We must think about scenarios for our children that we never had to let enter our minds when we were in school. One of these situations is a school shooter. Many districts have contengency plans. Some have armed staff, others have armed patrols.. but one school in Alabama has an ‘interesting’ approach to say the least, and it’s causing ripples in the oil boom ghosttown of Cisco. We’ve posted the bulletin in full below.

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Cisco ISD stakeholders have decided to adopt the aforementioned emergency procedure, but have ran into several headaches and a few heartaches. Teacher Robert Paulson explains. “We are not the most wealthy community in town, and not all of our students can afford to sacrifice a vital canned good for emergency procedures. To make matters worse, some children have overprotective parents and are sending them armed with 102oz cans of Hunt’s diced tomatoes. This is overkill, and it makes theĀ underprivileged kids feel even more underprivileged.”

The Cisco PTA has addressed this situation by ordering emergency ‘arms’ from the Abilene Food Bank, but not all are pleased with this either. “That food is for eating, not for pelting hypothetical criminals with!” stated employee Victor Lopez. Lopez continued; “Honestly, the odds of this working are slim, but the odds of it making a nice dinner are high. If we are going to give away canned goods to be used as weapons, I think we should be allowed to distribute damaged goods and hand out the veg-all!” We asked Lopez to explain exactly what vegall was. “It’s a blend of all the shit everyone hates. Guaranteed to have at least one thing you dont like in it!”

If this doesn't kill an intruder, it will surely kill your tastebuds.
If this doesn’t kill an intruder, it will surely kill your tastebuds.

Area reactions around Cisco are mixed. Most blame the ‘liberal intellectuals’ at Cisco Junior College for adopting such an asinine plan, while others think this is all a “typical Brownwood ploy” to hoard potted meat for next year’s festival. While there are many unknown variables, one thing is for certain.. veg-all is indeed disgusting.

satire

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