As many of you are well aware, Burger King is in Brownwood again, operating a small storefront inside of the Walmart Supercenter. With every new arrival to town, especially cheap low quality food, the masses nearly riot for a chance to waste their money on garbage. Shortages have been reported, and many have complained about not receiving everything in their order. Pettiness abounds in the hamlet of churches and grease.
There is, however, a third group of consumers who have a problem that has up until recently been unresolved. The people who don’t want to be seen in a Walmart, but would really like to be disappointed with the burgers.
“I’ve been looking forward to eating a Whopper and remembering why Burger King went out of business in the first place” stated area shopper Linda Ann Williams-Jones. Williams-Jones continued “.. but, it’s Walmart. You know the kind of people who go there? You couldn’t pay me to go to a Walmart. As a matter of fact, my family and I drive to Abilene to do our shopping once a week at Target.”
Another potential Burger King diner, Leon Watson, cited the fact he’s received a criminal trespass from Walmart and isn’t allowed on the store property. Yet another, Bangs’ own Lester Holt, who you may remember has an irrational fear of driving in Brownwood, is upset that Walmart saw a Burger King as higher priority than stocking his beloved Chilli Mac.
However, one local businessman looks to change it all, with a service he calls WeGetUrGrub. “Sometimes, your DWI interlock just won’t start and you really crave some french fries, or perhaps you’ve spent all day in your pajamas and you feel they aren’t stylish enough to be worn to a fast food joint. Or, you may be one of the 85% of Brownwood residents who has no idea how to use that strange room called “The Kitchen”. That’s ok, that’s why we are here.” said owner Bill Klaussen.
WeGetUrGrub has been open for a matter of days, but already has surprised many a customer. We dispatched WeGetUrGrub to Bangs, where Lester Holt was met with a firm handshake and a bag containing a cheeseburger. Holt reported that it tasted like a “damn fine cheeseburger” and to his surprise it was still warm after the long 10 mile trip to Bangs. The secret? WeGetUrGrub has a microwave built into the center console and an inverter, and they’ll nuke your food right before delivering.
With Holt satisfied, we thought we’d send Mrs. Williams-Jones a Whopper, so she could see what she’s missing. She replied via text; “It’s terrible. This sauce.. what is it? Is this high fructose corn syrup? It’s just like I remembered. Oh, and the wilty lettuce. Thanks, WeGetUrGrub, now I remember why I hate Burger King.”