Winter Storm Warning Issued for Brown County

The National Weather Service has issued a Winter Weather Warning for Brown County until noon Thursday. The warning states that up to a quarter inch of ice could accumulate. Brown County residents have since demolished all grocery stores in Brownwood in an attempt to stock up on supplies. Dollar stores were not spared the paranoid wrath of shoppers either. Potted meat, cheese whiz, Keystone light, Chicken on a Bisket brand crackers, and toilet paper were the hot items at each store. Some stores were even offering discounts on the above items when purchased as part of a ‘Winter Storm 2014 Survival Kit.’ Experts predict that residents could be trapped in their houses for a full 16 hours before the ice melts.

The Brownwood Interstate Transit Commission for Highways (or B.I.T.C.H.) put out a press release that as of 10:00 AM, 73 wrecks had been reported across Brown County with 26 of them in the Wal-Mart parking lot alone. “We haven’t seen any ice yet, but it’s clear this ice is already making an impact on the commute in the Brownwood-Early micropolitan area,” stated B.I.T.C.H. engineer Chad Roberson Jr. Roberson went on to explain that they are preparing the roadways in advance, “we ran out of salt and sand last year and forgot to order more, but we’ve contracted with a local dairy farm and we are going to be spreading manure on the bridges and overpasses starting around noon today.” Roberson continued “Well, you know we don’t have a real sanding truck, but this year my cousin Leroy bought him a new flatbed truck and he hired a few of those fellas from behind the Home Depot to sit on the back of it and pour that manure out.”

Heartland Mall apparently has not been affected by the impending ice storm, as of opening time at 10:00 AM the parking lot had 18 cars in it and business seems to be moving as usual. Social Security Administration clerk Joleen Jones stated that the elderly generally will not leave the warmth of thier homes when tempratures hover around 50, and she’s enjoyed the peace and quiet. “I actually beat a game of Freecell earlier. I’ve been playing Freecell since Windows 98 came out and never once beaten a game. I hope it stays cold for a while longer, to be honest!”

In Bangs, the city is bracing for the cold by cancelling all trash pickup. “You never know what you’ve got out in the trash that you might need in an instance like this, so we thought we’d just let everyone hang on to their trash. The town has so much trash in it that I don’t think anyone will notice anyway,” stated sanitation director Johnathon Gnome. Gnome urges residents who bury thier trash to exercise caution, as the ground is hard and many area properties cannot house another broken down farm implement.”

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