Area man travels to De Leon in search of Chilli Mac

It was a normal day for retired Bangs citizen Lester Holt. A day of watching the Price is Right, contemplating world affairs during the “judge show” block, and eating a warm hearty lunch on a cold and dreary day. However, not all was going according to plan. Holt called the Examiner to report bare shelves, a condition typical of the area any time the mercury drops below 40F. While speaking to us and informing us that the hoarders preferred Brawny paper towels over Bounty paper towels,  the spry 78 year old loudly exclaimed a word that we don’t feel we can print here. “They took all of the chili mac! I’m not going to settle for that nasty beefaroni, I WANT CHILI MAC!” Holt then went on a tirade inside of the Thrift Mart, demanding that someone get him some “g****mn chili mac” before he called Adult Protective Services for senior abuse. We were able to talk him down and get him back out to his truck. “Chili Mac is the only I-Talian food I like” sighed Holt.

Lester Holt's beloved Chili Mac
The object of many a hungry man’s desire.

Lester Holt is not a man to give up this easily. Oh no, not at all. Half an hour later, our phone rings again. “Brownwood is too scary to drive in, that big city just isn’t for me. I got on the highway headed towards the lake and would you believe Big G’s doesn’t have any g****mn chili mac either? They had an entire row of that imposter beefaroni and the boy working the checkout offered to sell it to me buy one get one free. I told him “You’re asking a lot to make a man change his Chef Boyardee son, you’re asking a lot”. Holt then again reminded us that he refused to drive in the Brownwood Micropolitan Statistical Area and would continue taking backroads in order to find his beloved chili mac.

"Those jackasses keep buying all of my Chef Boyardee!" - Lester Holt
“Those jackasses keep buying all of my Chef Boyardee!” – Lester Holt

At around noon yesterday, our phone rings oncemore. “This is Lester Holt from Bangs, Texas, and I’m in Comanche at the Brookshire Brothers and they don’t have any chili mac either. I think it must be an epidemic. Call the Food and Drug Administration, you’re a reporter, you can get things done. I’m going to DeLeon to look.” Feeling sorry for Holt, we went to Kroger in Brownwood and bought him a few cans.

“De Leon is a cesspit” stated Holt who had called to report that, yet again, nobody had any “g****mn chili mac” and it was cold outside and he was a senior and he wanted a bowl of his favorite cold weather lunch. We told him that we’d bought a few cans and would drop them off at his house, so he should just turn around and come home in case the weather got worse. “I didn’t get to be 78 by giving up, sonny” stated Holt, matter-of-factly.

Nobody tell Booker T, but Lester Holt thinks Beefaroni is "garbage pasta"
Nobody tell Booker T, but Lester Holt thinks Beefaroni is “garbage pasta”

As of press time, Lester Holt is still visiting rural grocers and berating them. He was last seen at David’s Supermarket in Dublin. If you’ve seen Lester Holt, why not tell us about it on Facebook.

satire

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