A Zephyr man called police on Thursday afternoon and filed a report that his wife had stolen his manhood. Zephyr police were dispatched to the residence to find the man in the front yard tending to the lawn. The man, identified as 42 year old Patrick Knowle Balls told police that his wife had stolen his manhood some 15 years earlier. Balls told police, “She has been making me watch HGTV since we got married, I don’t even remember the tune for Sportscenter anymore.”
The report filled out by ZPD described the man as being “distraught” and “not wearing any pants.” When asked about his pants, Balls told the Examiner, “my wife took those too, she said she’s the only one in the house who needs pants. It’s very embarrassing when family or friends come over.”
Balls further elaborated that his wife makes him do household chores and constantly forces him to watch Grey’s Anatomy with her. “During Grey’s Anatomy commercials I have to dust the furniture, vacuum the rug, get her a drink, etc.” Officers searched the residence for Balls’ manhood, but officers were unable to find any evidence of Balls ever having a manhood. Officer Scottie Gnor reported, “his manhood has been gone so long, I doubt if we will ever find it.” Balls has since been transported to a facility in Mullin for further evaluation, as officers hope the evaluation will provide further details about how his manhood vanished.
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