Mott’s to return to Park Plaza

Confused shoppers of the world, rejoice! Soon, you’ll be able to buy weird defective toys, clothes and fabric, and hamsters.. just like in the good ole days. With the inevitable merger between Dollar Tree and either Dollar General or Family Dollar, the value segment is ripe for expansion after consolidation, and the E.B. Motts Company wants to be on the ground level of this growth.

Having previously went out of business and liquidated in 2002, Motts has a few storage units with merchandise that is “fashionably outdated” according to majority shareholder J. Edward Rollins. However, all new products will be purchased and sourced locally. How, you ask? Motts has come to terms with several ‘resale’ groups on Facebook and will be purchasing everyone’s unwanted clothing and likely stolen electronics. “We reached a deal with the High School to use the washing machines in the athletics department to get rid of lice and bedbugs and pet dander.. it will give the kids who aren’t athletic enough to play a sport something to do during wellness.”

Area garage sale group users are very angry about this acquisition. “I like posting ‘bump’ to my items at least seven times a day. It keeps me calm while I’m in-between cigarttes!” stated user Gina Sanchez. Larry Carruths was concerned that Motts would notice the corrolation between a burglary and items appearing in the store.”I might just have to stop that side hustle once Motts comes to town. No sane man owns 8 different phones .. wanna buy this LG?” Others were concerned at the quality of goods for sale. “Half the people on that site are junkies trying to sell a high chair for a gram of the marijuana. I don’t trust the quality of goods.” stated Mary-Etta Conway. “I like my cheap goods to be from China, or Bangladesh.” Natasha Goldstein was unhappy with the change because it interefeered with her business model. She explained “I get free stuff from different groups and then I resell them. That’s how I feed my babies. They are always killing small business in Brownwood I swear.”

Motts wanted to reassure users that nothing is changing. There will be departments dedicated to selling diet pills and ‘wraps’ , and the store will be organized by group rather than department. “The Children’s Clothes 3 and Under department will be haphazard as the group is. Items will be thrown here and there, and it’s up to the shopper to be the first to get to the item. To preserve the group feeling, sometimes our clerks will ‘pass you up’ and give your items to the person behind you. All sales are final, after all. We will have an outdoor department with rusting lawn furniture for $150, cinderbricks for $20 a block. The pets will have rehoming fees so we know you won’t go do filthy things with the hamsters.

“One thing is for sure, it’s always something new!”

satire

One Comment Add yours

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s