Riverside Park’s famous ducks now on gluten-free diet.


Visitors to Riverside Park may have noticed that with the changing seasons came welcomed returns of the park’s mascots, those feathered fowls who beg for food of all sorts. Many families take their children to the park in order to feed the ducks, eventually be chased by the ducks, and leave. Things have changed, however, in 2014. The ducks have begun exhibiting changes in behavior. “At first, we thought the cheap stale Town Talk bread was to blame” stated Mister Feathersworth, a 3 year old redhead. Feathersworth explains that the redhead community was the first to notice digestive problems. “We tried making those nuisance Muscovy’s with their red faces eat the Town Talk bread to drive them away, but they seemed to be just fine with it. So we would start sharing our food, we’d take the good bread and leave the bad stuff for them. After a while though, even those fancy Pepperidge Farm loaves were making some of us ill.” Feathersworth paused to walk around in a rather meaningless circle or two, and then continued.. “Those piebald bastards started getting ill as well, and they wanted to eat our fancy bread. We told them no, thinking that they were trying to con us, and they’d be fine eating stale Wonderbread.”

The noble Mister Feathersworth, representative of the Riverside Duck Party (elected March 2013)

Mister Feathersworth was then interrupted by a representative of the Mallard clan of ducks, Jamal Greencap. Greencap exclaimed “THE FRENCH FRIES MAKE US SICK TOO!” and then began blaming contamination, government conspiracy, and the generally low quality of McDonalds. Greencap then waddled off in rage. “That’s why we didn’t want to invite them to the interview,” sighed Feathersworth, quacking in protest, and then pausing to chase Greencap away from a cache of grains. “Greencap doesn’t know his beak from his tailfeathers.. one time he ate kimchi and vomited on the crawdad that I had been planning on devouring for hours.”

At this point during our conversation, we noticed the plain white pekin ducks and a few gadwalls were holding congress with a lone visitor, a Canadian Goose. Wondering what was being said, we approached the goose. He introduced himself as “The Right Honourable Toots MacGregor” and bowed his long neck in greeting before continuing. “Every time I migrate down for the winter, these ducks have a new complaint. For crying out loud, I’ve been here all of 5 minutes and the ducks swarm me “Let’s tell the goose about our trials and tribulations. Let’s ask the goose for sage advice.” We asked the goose about the duck’s new diet and he hissed in clear displeasure. “Those ducks think they have celiac disease because some hippy came to the park one day with potato bread. They really favored potato bread so they’ve created a vast conspiracy because ducks are unable to go to the store to purchase loaves, and are at the mercy of the park visitor. In fact, the only reason they shouldn’t eat bread is because bread is bad for ducks of all kinds.” MacGregor then stood erect and chased a toddler who approached him. “That kid, did you see what he wanted to feed me? A burrito! AN ALLSUPS BURRITO!”

The Muscovy quickly appeared, willing and pleased to eat the butt end of the burrito.



2 Comments Add yours

  1. Roy T. Curbo says:

    Seriously, there has been a long debate about what to feed the waterfowl at Riverside. What is the answer? Dog/cat food? Deer corn? What?

    1. thealternativebrownwood says:

      Any kind of natural grain is good for them if you feel inclined to feed them, cracked corn is good. Not sure if their gizzards can grind up plain deer corn or not. Of course, the best option is not to feed them but they’re damn near domesticated after so many years, so I doubt feeding them once in a while is going to harm ‘natural’ behavior.

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