Smoker’s Palace, a new lounge for those who still smoke cigarettes, is set to open in the fall. Proprietor Nigel Pike promises a safe environment catering to the lifestyle of the Brown County smoker to relax in and “not be bullied by those neer-do-wells who say you can’t smoke in a public place anymore.”
The decor will feel like home with woodgrain panelling adorning the walls. “We want our patrons to feel comfortable” said Pike. To add an extra flair, ample curio hutches filled with commemorative plates will be displayed. With multiple items depicting John Wayne, Elvis, Ronald Reagan, Dale Earnhart Jr, and the 9/11 tragedy, patrons will always have something new to stare at. The initial items will be from Pike’s personal collection, but he invites all patrons to bring thier own cherished plates to display too.
Cigarettes will be sold at deep discounts and each pack will come with a free lighter. The usual brands will be offered, as well as premium marques and budget friendly selections. “Our display counter is going to be twice the size of the one at the Wes-T-Go down the street” explained Pike. “We’re going to have your brands you know and love, plus brands you’ve never heard of. I got a friend up in Canada who is going to start sending me Player’s and Du Maurier, and the guy who owns the doughnut shop across the street said he can get me some brand called Double Happiness that is popular in China.” Loose tobacco will also be sold, and cigarette machines will be available to all paying customers.
Pike knows that most smokers are generally stubborn and afraid of changes to their habit, but promises some of the international brands will be worth trying. “It’s like a fine wine pairing with a meal at the Olive Garden, or one of those other snooty restaurants. You don’t want it all the time, but once in a while it’s nice.”
Electric charging stations will be installed by the side of the building as a courtesy, allowing those who arrived on mobility scooters a chance to juice up. Pike was quick to note that a prefatory inspection will be conducted free of cost, both to ensure proper tire inflation and satisfactory functioning of the electric drivetrain, but to also make sure patrons didn’t steal them from Walmart.
While easychairs with built in ashtrays facing a bank of analog televisions look to be the most popular attraction, idly gazing into space while watching daytime soap operas and/or critiquing the Obama administration will not be the only option for entertainment. “We’re gonna have a few big long tables so people can play the scratch-off lottery, that’s for sure. Hell, I think I’m gonna apply to sell tickets on site once business takes off.” Pike also plans to “take all the newspapers from around the area and magazines too, even catalogues.” People can sit and read and smoke and if they burn the paper they won’t get mad and hit their loved ones, it’s not their $.75 they just wasted. He then took us to the storeroom and showed us a shuffleboard table he’s been constructing out of plywood and particle board. “I just have to get a hold of some Plexiglass so the little slidey things slide right” explained Pike, obviously proud of his handiwork. VLTs will be installed as well. Pike stated that VLTs are “basically like 8 liners, but the police don’t know the term VLT around here, so that will buy me some time.”
In addition, all items inside of Smoker’s Palace will be avalible to purchase via rent-to-own, stated Pike. “You don’t have to worry about Aaron’s or Colortyme getting pissed off when they come to reposess the furniture and it smells like an ashtray. Ours will come pre-scented and if you smoke more while it’s in your posession, that’s fine with us.”
Smoker’s Palace aims to be a community center as well. Pike suggested that once a week, pro-bono lawyers will be present to help with litigation settlements, lawsuits, and aid in getting approved for SSI.
Pike told the Examiner that alcoholic beverages will not be served, as not to exclude smokers under the age of 21. Additionally, air filtration systems will not be installed. “Nonsmokers aren’t going to come in here to complain, and we’re already used to it, so why waste the money?” Cigar smokers will be excluded though, due to the aroma that many find offsetting. E-Cigarette users are “pansies” according to Pike, and will be asked to leave on sight. Menthol smokers are allowed, but Pike stated that “They have to sit at that little table in the corner. We don’t want too many of those types coming in.”