Brownwood Urinal awarded “Worst in Central Texas”

A dubious honor that likely won’t receive a statue, a plaque, or much public recognition has become known to us today. The Examiner has learned that Gordon Wood Stadium’s restroom was voted “Worst Urinal in Central Texas” by the “Gridiron Guys” forum, a civic minded organization that prides itself on being good sports and proper gentlemen. Spokesman Jack Sim told the Examiner why GWS deserved such an award.

“Nobody who goes to a Lions game looks forward to having to visit the mens room. From the awkward hip-to-hip stances to the slow shuffle and assembly line method of urinating caused by the stampeding crowd, one has little to no choice in the matter. You stand in line, you enter the threshold. You whip it out. You hope you are done peeing by the time the queue reaches the end of the piss trough. You probably don’t wash your hands. You feel shame.”

While most find trough urinals most unpleasant, the crowds at Oklahoma's Memorial Stadium enjoy having access to running water once a year.
While the majority of men find trough urinals most unpleasant, the crowds at Oklahoma’s Memorial Stadium enjoy having access to running water once a year.

The restroom has been in the running for #1 for years, but until the closure of Floyd Casey Stadium in Waco, it wasn’t deemed terrible enough. “Floyd Casey had serious capacity issues. When you have a college stadium with a restroom that can barely handle the flow of halftime traffic, there’s little doubt in my mind that the smell of Waco came directly from agitated men simply relieving themselves in the parking lot. GWS isn’t that bad, but it’s approaching what we refer to as “Peak Pee”, and Brownwood could easily smell as bad as Waco in the coming months.

Even with BISD volunteers frequently changing the urinal cakes, the facility emits a fish-like odor that most people find unpleasant. Before the stadium was transformed into a nonsmoking facility, it wasn’t unusual to see cigarette butts floating like boats in the flaxen ocean of waste fluids. “Also, care must be taken not to confuse a trough urinal with a low-mounted sink. This is another reason why most visitors don’t wash their hands”, said Sim.

The urinals at Gordon Wood Stadium also break every rule of traditional mens room etiquette, according to Sim. “There is no room for a buffer zone, no way to avoid ‘splatter related mishaps’, absolutely zero partitioning, and the risk of running into someone you know who wants to shake hands in the restroom. Ugh.”

Brownwood physicians note an increased amount of urinary tract infections during football season, likely caused by men choosing to “just hold it” until the game is over, rather than battle the marauding hoards of urinating spectators. We’ve heard of many fans choosing to go across to the visitor’s side and use the facilities there, due to less crowding. Others simply choose to cross the pedestrian bridge and illegally void their bladders in the confines of Festival Park.

satire

2 Comments Add yours

  1. spookym says:

    “…splatter related mishaps”. I’d hate to be a “little person” using one of these urinals.

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