Trash? No, that’s civic pride, according to Bangs Residents!

The City of Bangs has been selected as a semi-finalist for the 2014 Central Texas ARSE award. ARSE, the Association of Rusting Stuff, Etc. has been investigating Bangs for quite some time and feels that the amount of junk properties and broken down International Harvesters has finally reached peak saturation.

“It’s hard to tell from the ground how much garbage one has accumulated..” according to ARSE president Desmond Barnes. “We implement drones, digital telemetry, and other state of the art tools to properly assess the rust to room ratio. Our criteria states that the scores for properties are best when decades of accumulated bullshit are dense.”

“Some of these properties have been competing for a piece of the ARSE prize for decades. We’ve seen broken down rusted out cars from as early as a 1949 DeSoto to as modern as a 1996 Pontiac Grand Am on the same property. The plastic body has rotted away to the point of no return on the Grand Am, while the DeSoto regally collects rust and what little engine remains serves as a home to one of the largest colonies of wasps in Central Texas.

While there might be celebration in parts of Bangs, some residents are unhappy with being lumped in with ARSE. “Not all of Bangs is trashy” stated resident Helen Sanders at the Dollar Store. “I mean, I try my best to recycle!” she exclaimed, as the wind blew her plastic bags away. When asked why she didn’t make an effort to recover the refuse, the resident broke down and admitted “I like polluting the environment. It makes liberals upset.” She then drove off while rolling coal and getting into a single car accident with a highline wire.

Others are upset for different reasons. Texas Council for Environmental Quality regional inspector Amir Khan was appalled when we showed him the photos. “People are proud of this?”

“I’ll tell you one thing, the fact that this is a competition makes me quite upset. It’s almost as if people relish living in utter squallor. Like it’s a mark of pride to them. I have seen less refuse in the poor regions of Bangalore.. and Bangs has a GDP that is only 7.6% lower than Bangalore.”

For announcements regarding the winner of the ARSE award, make sure to ‘like’ us on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bwdexaminer/

Khan reminds Texas residents to follow TCEQ on Facebook for updates, but if you’d rather keep messing with Texas, it’s your choice.
(Click on photos to enlarge)

 

bangs1
The abandoned swimming pool provides a perfect habitat for malarial mosquitoes, and the wide assortment of inoperable motor vehicles fascinated Mr. Barnes.
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Barnes suspects this property is used for illegal mud races, given the deep rutting and discarded race-day casulties.
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Multiple distressed properties show civic cooperation.
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This property owner tastefully arranged all of his decrepit cars in a row, as if he’s saying “Please, stroll in my pasture and enjoy the bullshit I’ve accumulated over the years.”
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A clever parody of our disposable society, according to Barnes. “Why repair old farm implements when you can just buy new ones to discard? It’s brilliant!”

 

 

satire

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Danny says:

    amazing how you can use photos over 5- 10 years old at the time of this article just to have something to bitch about

    1. BrownwoodExaminer says:

      Danny, this article was 3 weeks shy of being a year old when you found it. You’re a little late to the party. The photos may be old, but the scenery hasn’t changed in Bangs.

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