BRMC reminds teens: This is a hospital, not a playground

The peak of summer is upon us and with the long hot days comes petty mischief.  Mailboxes have already suffered record casualties, and area gas stations have kept toilet paper on lockdown. Given the lack of things for teenagers to do, BRMC has reported 8 joyriders this week. Media Relations adviser Linda Cruz wants area teens to know that the hospital has a zero tolerance policy for ‘unsanctioned elevator usage’.

“I know it’s hot, and I know they are bored, but this is a hospital. This is a place of business with sick patients. We can’t be having teenagers come in and treat the place like Heartland Mall. The waiting room is for waiting, not for idle loitering while your friends take turns riding the service elevator. Unless you have a relative or a friend to visit, stay off our property. Just last week I went to get on the elevator to the 5th floor, and it was full of teenagers. They were laughing loudly and trying to carry out tasks long rumoured impossible to do while riding an elevator. One kid was trying to tie his shoes, while his female companion was trying to do a handstand. I sternly rebuked them and asked what was their purpose of being here. They made up a story about seeing a “Mr. Garcia”. I had security escort them out, and I will have security escort ANYONE else out who appears to be under the age of 25 looking to visit “Mr. Garcia.””

Housing one of the only elevators in the region, BRMC sees its fair share of 'casual riders'
Housing one of the only elevators in the county, BRMC sees its fair share of ‘casual riders’

The elevators aren’t the only facet of hospital operations that the young ruffians are interfering with. “A group of teens were outside playing some yard game they called “wall ball” which involves throwing a racquetball ball or tennis ball at the exterior brickwork. The noise was loud enough to interfere with a serious procedure being done in one of our operating rooms. We were attempting a rather delicate rhinoplasty and the incessant thuds caused our surgeon to slip. Now, instead of 2 nostrils, the woman has one giant nostril.”

BRMC isn’t the only area business being affected by the vagrant youths. Superior Essex has seen a sharp uprising of teens using the storage yard as impromptu paintball courses, causing surface damage to the reels. Kohler has broken up two beach parties near the cooling pond by the main factory, and 3M has reported unauthorized entries to the staff lounge are at 10 year highs. Barr Fabrication has been broken into several times, but nothing has been stolen. Employee Miguel Ruiz states “They were probably looking for alcohol and can’t read all that well.” TASCO has seen countless photos of teens on social media taking selfies while wearing hardhats, hazmat suits.. none of which they purchased. The issue has become so dire that as a result of the recent outbreak TASCO has had security cameras installed to catch the ragamuffins red handed. Other businesses in the area did not return our calls.

We were able to speak with one area teen seen operating a railroad handcar on an abandoned spur near Roberts & Petty. The teen kept loudly yelling YOLO while smoking his marijuana cigarette. When he finally stopped for our reporter, he said little, only sarcastically stating “If they didn’t want us playing here, they shouldn’t have called it an industrial PARK.”

satire

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